my heart still feels like a traitor on a pretty regular basis. i bought c. a present i knew f. wanted for his birthday; my loyalties have lain in the same place for so long i hardly know how or if i want to change them.

i feel something for him, down in my stomach. i told him, i don't know if it's fear, or sadness, or happiness, or excitement, but i feel it rolling around inside my gut. and it feels good but it makes me scared. he said he feels it too. still. still sometimes i know that this one's not forever, and sometimes i think, fuck, it's going too fast.

when we're in bed, though. in his bed, or mine (now that i've got the house to myself), we are perfectly matched. with his hands on me, moving me, holding me up or down i don't even care-- i don't care about any of this-- when we're in bed, all i'm thinking about is him.