there are moments when i think, this is it. it can't go on like this; i'd rather regret something i did than something that i didn't do. there're moments when the dissonance between us is so loud that i think, i can't imagine investing the rest of my life here.

but there are also times when i think, i can't imagine living without this in my life. i can't imagine willingly, purposely, absichtlich pushing him away from me.

in the past few days there have been more of the latter, but he's been home and i've been happy. i don't want to get indolent and relax back into our life together, where i live day to day doing what's easy and sleeping through the rest. weeks ago i was feeling the exhilaration of change, and now that that change hasn't manifested itself the thrill is being succeeded by comfort. it's easy and i'm happy. is it enough?

my parents, my friends, my aspirations, my language, my interests, my adventures, my sanity, sometimes: i'm in danger of forgetting the reasons i wanted a change in the first place. i've already struck my heart from the list. is it still a fair trade? i still don't know. i'm still scared.