today was really nice with my parents, until i saw the email that c. had sent me, about missing me on christmas, about hoping that we might still spend the holiday together, and signed "yours".

i don't want to be cruel to him, but it hurts to push him away, and i don't appreciate having to do it over and over. it hurts-- and i think if he got me at all he would know that trying to force us back together is the worst thing he could do. but then, if he got me at all things might be different.