the stakes are very high right now, and i am maybe starting to panic a little: (start and) finish writing my thesis; get this fucking degree; get accepted somewhere for a phd --- oh wait, apply for phd programs; get accepted; get scholarships?!; get a visa for another country; move somewhere new for the first time in five years? OR finish writing thesis; get a degree; stay here in some sort of official capacity with a full time job and/or thriving business?? OR finish writing thesis; get this degree; move back to canada; get a job; make my parents happy.

i followed a boy here and ended up happy enough, even without him. now r. is willing to follow me wherever i want to go, and i am full of the responsibility for making my own life choices. it is a little bit intoxicating and very much overwhelming to have such control over your own destiny, and to know that whatever happens, its down to your decisions. i feel like i have set all of these elaborate plans in motion, have raised people's expectations of me, and now all i have to do - ha! - is not disappoint, catch all the balls in the air, don't break the spinning plates, don't let anybody down.