i'm going to try this again.

there are so many stories of heartbreak on here. i rely so much on words to work things out in my head, and seeing what people write here, knowing that he doesn't do the same... i hate that this change means breaking his heart. but then i remember that he broke mine first.

twice now i've been on my knees evening the score. but i can still evoke it so clearly, the punch in the gut, the silence when i asked, lightheartedly at first, "are you cheating on me?" "..." "are you cheating on me?" "..." then "are you kidding?" "..." (a little hysterical now) "are you FUCKING kidding me?" then so many tears and so much anger, and some cowardly, misplaced, but well-intentioned forgiveness that i am coming to regret.

i know that it is petty to dwell on a mistake like closing a browser with an unsaved text, but i can't sleep because of it. i am so unhappy. just as i wrote that the tears finally came. sad as it is, this stupid diary is the closest friend i have here, the only place i can share my secrets, the closest to catharsis i can get. that even this should get dragged into whatever is going on between us feels like ten times the trespass is probably really is.

back at home, before i came back here, before anything happened between us, i was talking to t. about-- oh, about lots of things. about what happened in december and what had happened at the bar the night before (me, nearly blacked-out, nearly making out with some guy whose face i don't remember). he said, something like, "so you're just going to chronically cheat on your boyfriend now?" and i said no, but i guess i blushed and looked away because then he said, "you're so broken." i think one of the reasons i still think of him is that at least he seemed to see me clearly.