i haven't been feeling much of anything lately. i thought it just wasn't there, but apparently it was just under my skin, aching a bit, and yesterday the whole thing came to a messy head, popped in the most unflattering way.

god i'm surrounded by married people! and their condescending comments, well-intentioned or not, and their affectionate cuddling, nicknames, consideration for each other. last week i told s. i didn't want a relationship, and he reciprocated, which i was happy about. in part because i thought maybe i was really starting to feel something for r., since i like the way his arm feels around me during the movie after dinner, if nothing else -- and then last night r. told me he "really cared about me a lot" and called me the Robin to his Barney (blech). so i'm at a birthday party, surrounded by all these happy married people and their pity, on my own because r. has bailed, and i've never felt so on my own. i needed to grab on to someone; i called f., winter-ex-lover.

i don't know if it was a mistake or not. we met and he said something about liking this girl and i burst into tears; it was literally the last thing i needed to hear. i told him, i hurt you, and then you hurt me, i thought we were even. the tears were in complete and utter earnest, but they had that effect that girl-tears seem to have on boys, that is, they made him apologize, and then when i asked him to hold my hand as we walked home, he said he was surprised he was still allowed.

he came over, and we had the kind of sex that i've pretty much only ever had with him, and then, because apparently i couldn't stop myself picking at it yesterday, i said out loud what i've been thinking for awhile now, "nobody loves me the most" and then i wept and wept and wept.