keep checking the 15 degree difference between graz and calgary today; try to keep from missing the rockies. i should probably go outside. but there's nothing pulling me there, even though the sun is shining through my windows. i miss my family and the shape of the land where i'm from. it's so fucking beautiful and i want to show it to the world, want it to be tied to me, but i feel like i'm getting further and further away from who i am, if you can really define that according to where i lived for eighteen years. i've been here for four and a half, and i like it here, don't need to leave, but i don't want to lose my home.

wondering about going somewhere else, but don't know which direction to go, and these things are harder with two lives involved. it's a good kind of directionless, i guess, i just don't want to get pulled anywhere. comparing yourself to other people is scary because it can make you question the whole way you see the world. last night i had a dream about the most successful girl from my high school. she got married a few years ago, right after winning cbc's "canada's next prime minister". a. fucking robichaud.

i don't know what this entry is about. i should stop smoking weed during the day.