i've stepped in the sahara since we last spoke, and though i'm just as unsure about e v e r y t h i n g as ever, where i used to feel empty now i feel full.

other than my heart everything's going better, but other than love what the hell matters? we're nearing five years together, but i've realized that one more will make me feel like i have lost myself completely.

i met an english guy today who i will be working with. we drank a beer together after work and i watched his lips for a moment, knowing that he would kiss me if i asked him to. i can picture myself having a short affair with him, a tawdry little thing, where i can return home unscathed after doing many "naughty" things and having thoroughly enjoyed his accent. i picture myself falling into other roles so easily, other roles with other men, and who i am only comes up when i think about me on my own.

the fact of the matter is, my life seems longer to me when i imagine it alone.