it's so easy to imagine a life around the faintest glimmer of someone. i know how my life might go with c. or r. i've been imagining books in bed with e. since i was seventeen. until this christmas i hadn't seen m. since high school, but i can still spend an inordinate amount of time looking at pictures of him on his continent and making up stories about us together somewhere. it doesn't matter where, so long as i've got the with whom figured out.

my biological clock started ticking this summer. i'm 24 and now i know that i want to have a baby before i'm 30. which is fucking soon when you consider just how far my shit is from being together. not to mention that i'd like to have said baby with some sort of life-partner, and at the moment i just feel so unsure about anybody - myself included; i know that i am emotionally unavailable, and i can't really picture myself with anybody who could make that happen and make me happy. the problem is that i can't picture myself with or without anyone, or anyone who's real to me that way.