i haven't been doing much contemplating lately. or, at least, i haven't been sitting down to lay out my thoughts.

sometimes i worry that i'm in a place where people get stuck. i worry about whether or not i'm making the right choices, on top of wondering if i even know which decisions are the important ones. i don't know if i've ever said this out loud, unless it was after one of many bottles of red wine, that i am so worried about running out of time. like life has become a permanent toned down version of the feeling i get when i walk into a store with three floors of clothes to try on.

i'm so in love, but so scared of what it means. i remember how quickly i lost myself last time, and how much of what went wrong was because of how i started living for him. i don't want to do that again: have his friends be my friends and his interests become my hobbies, but i don't want to be the cool one either. i can't get enough of him. i want to touch him and be touched by him constantly. and trusting that he loves be back is a strangely tangible pleasure. so i'll stay where he wants to stay until i know where i want to go. and if i have gotten stuck here, so be it.