i am a waitress and i work in a pub, but i feel like a performer and the bar is my stage. i dress not to be obvious about it, but so that their eyes will stay on me, and instead of applause i get tequila shots and extra tips, extra drinks, and spliffs from the bartender.

i don't know what i want from them. i won't give anyone my number, and i feel bad when i lie that i am here just to study, nothing to do with the love that holds my heart here.

but where did all the fire in me go? and why do i hardly feel anything anymore? i am overcome with sadness when i see new young love.

i feel in love with c. again though. we were in bed: i was reading & he was sleeping with his head next to my shoulder. i felt his breath against my skin and it was something new again, for the first time in forever. i shut the light off and let it lull me to sleep, and leaning against him is still my safest place (offstage).