nothing has changed, nothing is changing except for the fact that we spend less and less of our time really loving each other. sometimes he says i love you and all i want to say is, i don't believe you.

i'm so stuck here. in my head and my house. it goes like this: i want to go home, but i don't want to be completely without him. i want to stay together and not be here, but i swore i would never do long distance again, and i honestly don't think we would survive it even if we pretended that we thought we could. so i stay.

or else it goes, i don't want to finish this degree. i want to go home. to do what? to live with my parents and get pissed with my girlfriends three nights a week? to live with l. and a. and be broke, but with a closet full of clothes? so i'll stay, and finish it, and at least then when i leave i'll have a master's and some bar experience blah blah blah. but staying means staying together with him and leaving means breaking up, and since that's ultimately the thing i can't decide... i don't know where my heart or my body are going to end up.

in the meanwhile i am still working at the bar. at least it is a good place for me to steal scraps of attention and hoard them where i keep my self-worth. the bartender with the same name as my boyfriend... i think i've got his attention now, though i talk too much about myself, i know-- it's my knee-jerk reaction when i am nervous around someone. i think he has got some weird issues with rage - a short fuse, so to speak, and i have no interest in dating him, or even really of sleeping with him, because the part that i want to relish is the chase.

i can't even be glib about it anymore, and i am having trouble bending the turns of my phrase because decisions like these: to love, to leave? to stay, to go? these decisons are my life, and i don't know what to do with it.