wow, i don't know what to do sometimes when e. is around. i have been so hung up on r. lately: bought a gown today for the ball that we are going to in late january, the ball where he will be dancing with my friend's little sister, where i will be sitting in the box with her family while she has her coming out with my boyfriend, but ok, i can handle it, and i got to buy a nice dress. anyway, i miss him, i crave him, i get butterflies in my stomach when i think about seeing him again, all the good things that i want. i see how we fit into each other's lives, and guys-- i want babies really soon. not just hypothetically really soon, but, like, as soon as i can feasibly afford it really soon. and i want them to be his. ok? seriously.

but. but. i can't help noticing what a good couple e. and i would make, make, have always made. i can't help remembering how much i have always loved him, especially this year, when he is single for the first time since i broke up with c. and especially now that we are both adults, have been with other people, have lived in other cities, and have found out who we are. i knew when i was seventeen that he would be The One That Got Away, and i can't help thinking about him in those terms, even though i would have the power to stop that from being the case, if i wanted to.

we just don't fit in each other's lives the way r, and i do (not to mention the love i have for r.). our stories are different genres, we are on different continents, our paths have not crossed but in calgary, and as everyone knows, this is the city of fairy tale beginnings and cold oil ends. there is nothing for me in this place, and i will not chase after a life here.