it's sort of a mind-fuck when you realize that thinking of yourself as a self-aware, self-conscious person doesn't actually make you a self-aware, self-conscious person, it just makes you someone who thinks they're one-- or something that s. and i were talking about after he awkwardly tried to kiss me the other night.

i've only talked to c. three times since i've been home; it's the same number of times we'd talk most days while doing long distance. i missed him terribly today. a couple standing next to me at the mall were ordering food together, and i started yearning for the intimacy of a meal shared. i feel like it's only going to get harder when i get back, and i'm scared of not having the will-power to be able to get through this as the person i want to be.

this is probably the first night i haven't had a thing to drink since i got home. i think some of my friends think i have a slight problem, and the fact that i think that they think this makes me think i think it too.