waking up and going to sleep alone. sprawled spread-eagle in the middle of the bed. i feel like my spring fever has finally broken. the loneliness that drove me dark in the winter and desperate in the spring has subsided, at least for now, and i am taking refuge in my solitude, instead of running from it.

yesterday at work i stood at the window, smoking a cigarette and looking at the sky, thinking about how a few weeks ago i would have been wondering what he was doing and wondering if it was ok to call, or text, or assume that i would see him later. i was able to remember how anxious he made me without feeling it again, and saw, with a clarity i haven't had for a while now, how many ways i had been bending myself to fit him, while he remained solidly himself. i resent him for not wanting me the same, but...