i've been waking up on the wrong side of the bed lately: little to no work to do other than essay writing, and that's always easy to put off. today i got up at nine, out of the house by eleven, wrote five pages and went for a run. decided to do the loop backwards to see if i was faster.

the answer was: barely, but i did see f. for the first time in three weeks, and even though it was just me running and him biking in opposite directions, neither one of us reacted. oof. and then r. and i went for drinks in the park, and he was there again! three weeks of absolute silence, and then today, the sound my heart made was like air being let out of tires. no acknowledgement again.

i don't know if he saw me the second time, but my eyes, having just gotten used to not being trained on anyone in particular, couldn't stop following him. all i could see from our table was a piece of neck, or a lit cigarette, or a beer glass being lifted, and i remembered how much closer i used to be to all that taking place.

at their office, his friend sold me a street bike, and as he fitted it and put on the finishing touches, he said, but the end wasn't dramatic or anything between you, was it? i said, i can make anything dramatic, and laughed. i've been enjoying being single for the last week-- i mean, it's better than being part of a couple but alone, but still. it stings more like a burn than a cut, the way he hurt my heart.