sometimes i feel like i could just l e t g o but then when i really think about what that means i get this panicky feeling in my chest because although this whole situation seems wrong for me and although we seldom have sex and we don't get along, although he doesn't seem to understand me in the way i want to be understood sometimes, he is still the one whose body i fit into exactly, who knows what i need better than i do sometimes, who turns with me in the night like we were figures in a german clock. it feels wrong sometimes and i think about letting go but then i get that feeling in my chest that reminds me that no one will ever love me like he does.