i wish we had come here before i went to vienna by myself and told all my secrets.

i always tell all my secrets. the only secrets i've ever kept to myself are the ones that aren't even kept in the easily accessible bits of my memory (and even those come out after more than six drinks or so).

i wish i hadn't told our secrets to somebody else before i told them to you because just since we've been here i've realized how much this is going to tear us apart. how long will i be able to keep this one from you? i'm trying pretty desperately to hold us together at the moment - i don't know if you can see it - but sooner or later it will slip out.

i always tell all my secrets. i'd make a shitty poker player.


EDIT: you know, this whole thing, this whole change, this whole deviation from the plans that i had and the way my life was supposed to be going is pretty much based on some guy i heard on tv or on the radio or read about in the paper who said, figure out what you're scared of and then do it. it stuck in my head, and i thought, (because it'd been in my mind since your 'indiscretion') that the thing i was most afraid of was being without you. not apart from you, because we've done that, but without you.

but now it's like, ok, sure, i'm scared of being without you, but isn't fear one of those instincts that's supposed to fucking stop us from self-destructive behaviour?? as in, exactly the kind of behaviour that i am prone to and tend to revel in? and, too, what i'm most afraid of, apart from being without you, is being without you and knowing that it is the result of some stupid, impulsive decision brought on by an assinine quote i heard from some guy and i can't even remember where. < / freak out >