saw h. today when i was leaving uni, and acted like a silly girl until he was gone. literally, i was in front of him and i didn't know if he was going in the same direction (he was with a friend) so i ducked into the spar so that they could catch up to me a bit. as i was walking in, i saw them turn the way i needed to go, but then i had to go all the way around the store in order to get out again, and when i came out they were nowhere in sight. i kept walking, and then i saw them in the bank, to my left, where i had actually been planning to go before my little detour, but where i certainly couldn't enter then. i kept going, kept trying not to look back, and then finally ducked into a different bank right in front of the crosswalk. deposited my money from work and wasn't really counting on seeing him again, and then, as i looked both ways when i walked out, he was coming towards me again.

i don't know what i was going on about. i don't know what i wanted from him. i guess my imaginative self - the one with ridiculous fantasies that get her into trouble some times - i guess she liked the idea of locking eyes with him in a public place, and having some secret sexy memories pass between them, without saying a word. i honestly don't know what i would have done, although i think i would have been able to handle it if he had stopped to speak to me, or called out, or suddenly been behind me when i turned... but things like this, when my imagination runs away and leaves my body standing like some stupid empty shell, it's moments like that that remind me that i am the same person that i was when i was 17, and that that girl is the same person i was when i was 12, and 9, and so on.

i don't know why notions of continuity bother me so much; something to do with narrativization, maybe. i just finished atonement by ian mcewan for one of my seminars. it was like pulling teeth: i have never wanted to read it, but it has some interesting ideas about making our lives into stories, novels, and how that affects the way we see the world, the way we think of truth.

man, h. is really fit. i know i had cast him as a guest appearance only, but i hope i get to see him again before my Return to the Great White North in 11 days.