not too much is new. my "harem", as one of the bartenders put it, has pretty much disbanded. i spend my days just living, guarding myself against the ease of a slide back into life with c. we still eat, sleep, wake up together. he bought me lilies on my half birthday, woke me up with them. five years. it was five years on friday since i walked past him in a bar on st. laurent, with my come-hither eyes fixed on him; it's been five years since i walked home on a crystal cold sunday morning and wrote in my diary instead of studying for my first midterm. he gave me an external hard drive with all of the pictures he has taken over the past five years, and i immediately burst into tears: five years in one little black box, and that's all i get to take with me.

we spend the weekend eating, sleeping, and stoned, his grandma - who doesn't know about the breakup - taking care of us like small children. everything was the same as ever, without sex. for the first time i thought, why am i doing this again? but even if i can't conjure up my reasons at the moment, i remember that they were good enough not to go back, or i have faith at least, that that's true.

i thought i'd be more lonely, but maybe that's just because i'm not really alone yet. right now i just have the feeling that it will be a long time until i am able to open my heart again. also now i know what it feels like to let go of the love of your life.