i showed him that last entry because i'm trying to break my pattern. it helped, and even if maybe writing something in your diary and then having your heart creep up into your throat as you watch its intended recipient digest its content is not the most straightforward or mature way of communicating, it must be more straightforward and mature than trying to make him jealous, trying to make him feel guilty, or making a scene. all of which were previous go-to strategies.

last night we went for a walk, and he was being cranky and distant and pre-occupied, and i wondered, how much longer will this be worth it for me? i got a panicky feeling in my stomach when he talked about leaving, just leaving. but then i talked honestly too, about leaving, and going home, and teenage dreams, and then i lay back while he talked, and i looked at the stars, and i thought, right now i am lying here worrying about this, but how many times did i look at the stars with someone else, and think that they would be the only one for me? how many times have i done this before and how many times will i do it again? this is just right now, it's just right now, and there's nothing i can do to change that. this is just right now and someday things will be different, but this is right now.

i looked up at the stars and found the ones that make me feel like my feet are on the ground, and then i spoke honestly with him, and we came home, and i was myself, and he was himself, and we were together. i've started missing the end of anything we watch because my head just fits so well on his shoulder, and the pleasure of another episode of game of thrones is something i enjoy, but falling asleep with my head on his shoulder is one of the best parts of right now.