once, a while after c. and i broke up, i was skyping with lara -- i remember it clearly -- in bed; and i said to her, in genuine disbelief, about opening my heart: "either i meet someone else, and we get married, or i open myself up and have to go through all of this all over again." and both of those possibilities were equally terrifying to me!

and then today, i felt that pain in my chest again, and i remembered how much this hurts. what the hell am i going to do now?