the nudge: when i push you, and expect a push back; when i squeeze your hand, and expect a squeeze back; when i kiss you, and expect a kiss back. and the expectation isn't just what i think you're going to do, so much as what i need you to do in order to feel like you understand me at all. and the saddest, sorriest part of the whole thing is that this seems to be the only way i have of telling you what i need: this mute, imprecise, unreliable form of speech.

the jut of my chin has become almost a tic. you look at me and i look at you and then my chin bobs up without my consent, and this nod seems to require something from you, though neither of us seem to know what. and when you tell me, " if you want something, just ask for it," or, "just do what you want" it frightens me infinitely more than it reassures me because its like you're asking me to speak to you in a language i don't know. and i know that you're fluent, in so many tongues.