in a strange show of continuity, i dreamt about e. last night. we were hanging out somewhere that i guess was supposed to be his work, and then there was a question of us going to some waterpark together-- funny, because a) before i left home l. and a. and i had started going to the wavepool on a regular basis and it was pretty much the highlight of my life and b) because i am pretty sure that i have dreamt about this waterpark before, which is different than the real one at home. anyway, basically the dream consisted of us hanging out and me trying to make it romantic and then the dream shifted into some strange airplane that was like one of those rides at the epcot centre.

i've actually had quite a few dreams about e. over the years, always waking up either burning with lust or burning with guilt for dreaming of someone else while held in c's arms. there was one where i was right about to ask him to be with me, but then another girl came and asked him first, right in front of me, as i was approaching him. then i was with someone else, and he was with her, and we were descending this weird series of ladders in a sort of leveled garden or something, and he was behind me and he put his hands on my hips and i turned to look at him and i knew that it was there and that we both felt it but that our timing was wrong.

last christmas (2008) we somehow ended up outside the bar, smoking (how he only smokes when he's with me, and i only smoke in front of him in order to take up the persona i held on to so tightly in the twelfth grade, as though to remind him that he liked me then) and talking about how we were finally friends but how there had never been any closure. i said something along those lines and then he said "katie katie katie katie" and i didn't know what was coming but i knew it was going to be something definite, one way or the other, so i said "i can't do this" and was through the door back inside. i would rather have questions than answers.