i was never very popular with boys. oh, i was always in love. but (despite having kissed half my high school, boys and girls), i only had one real boyfriend in high school. no real prospects at uni until i met c.

now i've been single for four months. yes i still live with my ex-boyfriend, but strangers don't know that. i work in a bar. i'm blond. i've lost about ten pounds. it's a very different experience; i used to be the chubbier, funny friend, you know?

i'm not as clumsy as i used to be, not as shy. definitely not as invisible. i hadn't really noticed the internal changes until saturday when it felt like every single table had at least one guy trying to take me home ("also, woher kommst du eigentlich?"). i guess i always thought that skinny, pretty girls with guys after them were happier, but i'm not happier. the only change i really notice in myself is a consciousness that i spent a lot of time being envious and insecure for nothing.