reader, i dated him.

it didn't go well.

we had been having such intense moments, such intense-- but i knew what i wanted, and i had told him, just like i told e. in 2005 . i was essentially in exactly the same situation as i was in grade 12, six years later, six years older, doing exactly the same thing to a different boy.

"yes, i want to sleep with you. yes, i want to hold your hand. yes, i want to wake up beside you, and tell you secrets, and make you fall in love with me. yes, of course, please, love me. no, i don't want to be your girlfriend."

they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right? i think that's what they say, so i decided to go for a different result this time. we'd had dinner together, and dessert, and were drinking at this bar near the opera where his friend was dj'ing and he knew half the room. we went to stand by the floor to cieling windows where it was admittedly very romantic, and he said, i feel like we're dating. and i said, i feel it too. and then he said magst du mit mir gehen? and i said yes and then he called me his girlfriend and then he said he was going to the bathroom and as he walked away from me i already knew that it was the wrong thing and that i wasn't being fair to anybody, certainly not to him, and truly not to myself.

i ended it the next day. i just took the whole thing back. i am a shitty person sometimes, but i am trying hard to be better.