i built a fire before bed: one cube of natural firestarter, three pieces of kindling, two man-made pressed-sawdust logs. first you get rid of the previous fire's ashes, then you light the firestarter, build a precarious teepee with the kindling round the flame. once it's burning, break the logs in two, and tilt the four pieces towards each other, ideally right over the fire.

i have to wait for it to really get going, and then close the vents so that it doesn't burn too quickly, otherwise we'll wake up freezing. i closed the vents a few minutes ago: it won't go out, i thought. it's got fuel and fire. that's all it needs to go on. like us, i thought. only we have no fire and little fuel.

then i got back in bed to write this. about two minutes ago the fire went out. open the vents, it reignites-- i have to stop looking for meaning where there is none.