i've started reading my horoscope religiously, at least in part because i have no religion, and i need some sort of "spiritual" crutch. i'm just the right type to put faith in horoscopes, because i do believe in a kind of ambivalent fate (in addition to irony and at least a limited amount of self-awareness).

on saturday, jennifer angel told me (and all other taureans):

love vibes are hot, but when it comes to forming relationships, ensure the person who is lucky enough to have your affections has your best interests at heart. when you are popular it doesn�t mean you have to say �yes� to someone who�s vying for your attention.

at tam tam on saturday, i just didn't feel like it anymore. r. wasn't there. the friend of ca.'s boyfriend wasn't there either; h. was there, but he was picking up another girl, and anyway, that is certainly better left lying. i know that i don't want to have to pretend to be in love with c. anymore. and i know that i don't want to keep enticing r. with little bits of me, when i get nothing of him in return. i am happy on my own right now, but i still have to figure out how to be productive on my own. how do you motivate yourself when you're not trying to impress someone?

yesterday, having gone out (or worked) until at least 4 am nine out of the ten preceding days, all of my unslept hours came crashing down on me and the only thing i was physically capable of doing was rolling a spliff and watching tv on the internet. i didn't get out of my pyjamas all day. i know it needs to change, my discipline, my motivation. but jeez, i've just made one big life changing decision and i didn't realize that life was going to just come at me like this once everyone decided that i am adult.