i had the saddest new years ever. and i have been in pain all day. everything was fine on december 31st, wearing my bright yellow dress and drinking prosecco at the twins' house. then suddenly it was closing time on january 1st, and i was standing outside the hifi crying, and they wouldn't let me in, and i don't know what i did all night, but i don't remember it being very fun. then a. piled (her) c. and me in a cab and took us back to her place and i cried myself to sleep for a good half hour at least, cried myself to sleep like a little child, until i was just too tired to cry anymore.

i'm just so sad. i don't know any other way to describe it because it isn't anything else. it's not regret, and it's not remorse; it might be a little bit heartbreak, but mostly it's just sad.

oh wah wah wahhhh-- i don't know what to do next, but i've said that before, and i'll figure it out. i think i need to stay away from the sauce and the boys for awhile. in moderation. after this week. oh, we'll see. but i need to stay away from r. for sure. i am way to broken to be near him when i get back.

2011: year of fixing the damn thing and getting rid of the blues.