i started running shortly after f. and i broke up, for various reasons. these included a need to move, probably in part as a substitute for the lack of physicality experienced from not having him in my bed; a cardio addition to the workout dvds i had already been trying out; the bmx park is next to the bike path where i cross the bridge for my loop: both as a pathetic gesture towards wanting to see him without it seeming like i wanted to see him, and as a complete fuck you as i run past not caring.

i've always shunned pre-meditated exercise. hiking, skiing, biking, swimming were all fine, but not necessarily enthusiastically undertaken. running, aerobics, anything on a mat more strenuous than yoga were for keen people who drank lots of water and didn't smoke or wear suntan oil at noon in july.

regardless of why i started running, then, the fact that i have kept with it is part of the transformation i can feel taking place in me this summer. the fact that i look forward to it, check my watch for the two hours after lunch to go by; the fact that i tried a new method of breathing today, and it worked; the fact that even though i'm not getting faster, i feel better by the end, like i could keep going, or the way it feels more natural to be running than walking when i'm out there.

since i was a teenager, i've reveled in how much more tangible one can feel something dark, or sad, or raw. this transformation isn't about being broken or lonely. its not about what i have or don't have or want or don't want. it's just about doing something good for me, and being mature enough to do that without irony, or belittling it, or competition, or acknowledgement. when i ran today, i felt like i could close my eyes and go somewhere else, because all i had to do was keep putting one foot in front of the other.