"last night was, what will probably go down in my diary as the best first kiss of all time."

i really hope i don't fuck this up.

m.'s birthday party was last night, and i went with e., after dinner with c. and his family. i didn't have high expectations-- it's a completely different crowd than i'm used to; they're all musicians who act like exchange students. but then somehow something happened in a way i had kind of completely forgotten. we just clicked.

flo used to say that sometimes i looked sixteen, with some look on my face; i know i make looks, but last night i felt myself beaming. on purpose, not lit up by gin tonics or aperol. i felt myself being pleasantly surprised (instantly gratified) by hearing answers to my questions more perfect than i could ever have imagined. until five o'clock in the morning, and then, together the last ones to leave the party, we said goodbye outside.

he's a twenty five year old sagittarius, and he plays the trombone; he's from germany and laughs like it. he's light and dark in the right ways, at the right time, which is what i've needed for awhile now. i hope i don't mess this up. we kissed twice on the cheek as is usual here: i was heading the other way with the third party guest. thirty seconds elapse and i think to myself, what am i doing? said goodnight, turned my bike around, and rode his way, to see him standing on the street with his headphones on. still. hands moving. eyes closed. he must have heard me because as i stopped at the corner, he approached me without really saying anything and put the headphones over my ears. we were standing close together. the music was happening all around me and our cheeks were touching as it happened.

i still had the headphones on when we kissed, but not for long-- i had to take them off. it didn't feel real. i hope this is real.