today i woke up worried, as he got back in to bed with a pot of coffee on the bedside table. i showed my cards last night, and let him know how much i've started to feel. he said, "if i can hurt you dann sind wir schon zu weit" and all i could think to say was, yes, but i don't want to stop. a pause and then, at least now you know how far i am, and him: i've known for awhile now.

he told me from the outset that he couldn't offer me much, and i more than anyone should understand that; it's been my own refrain for so long. but now i know what it feels like to wonder how someone can not feel the same for you. i notice when he doesn't want to say no to me, not because he wants to say yes, but to be kind. i know it's not nothing for him either, but my heart is so greedy and needy and i want it to be more. i want more.