watched portlandia with r. today and realized that the time in my life when irony ruled and being too cool for earnestness is long gone.

this may be among the most ridiculous confessions that i have made here, but the sunscreen song by baz luhrmann is quite honestly some of the best and most poignant advice i ever received: "enjoy the power and beauty of your youth", "don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours", "sing", "floss", "enjoy your body, use it every way you can", "dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room", "get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good", "understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need people you knew when you were young". i wish it was a book, or a poem, or even that this was what's in the bible, but i can't help it, this is my creed.

i feel like i'm losing myself. i feel like i've lost the plot. ich hab den faden verloren. my story is getting bogged down in minor characters, and i'm not sure i quite like the heroine any more. i feel like i'm approaching some sort of stage where my love affairs are no longer romantic and exciting; i'm terrified of approaching a time when i smile and people cringe, terrified that that time is here, and i don't know what to do about the fact that i feel like this when a few months ago i was glowing. i know it's not either/or, but it's easy, i think, when you're losing yourself, to let somebody else find you and tell you who you are. i'm just not quite happy with his characterization of me.